Tag Archives: The kardashians are fame whores

I Hate People – Part 2

Previously on Derek Hates Everything:

Destiny: Oh my glob . . . my water just broke.

Derek: Wait, you’re pregnant?

Destiny’s baby: *climbs out of Destiny’s vagina*Not anymore. Happy birthday to me!

- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – 

Agent Santos: Derek, I wouldn’t trust Briana if I were you. Briana is pregnant.

Derek: Pregnant? Like . . .pregnant pregnant?

Agent Santos: Pregnant I say.

- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – 

Trina: I’m afraid we lied to you before Derek. Ben didn’t die in that car accident forty year ago. Ben is pregnant.

- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – 

Derek: Before he died, Mario told me that Beth was pregnant. Tell me it’s not true!

Sisqo: Not only is Beth pregnant, but her baby is also pregnant. That’s a lot of pregnant.

- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – 

Doctor:  The morning sickness, the strange cravings, the unexplained weight gain, the feeling of feet kicking inside your uterus, and the cessation of your period is all because . . .

Derek: I’m pregnant?!?!

Doctor: No, I’m pregnant. You? You have cancer. Also, don’t ever interrupt me.

Derek: Cancer?!? Well, at least I’m not pregnant.

Doctor: Oh but you are. Pregnant, that is.

Derek: Dios Mio!

And Now:

Last year, a whore turning tricks on the corner said to me, “People Shmeeple.” The fact that she solicited me for sex and threw cigarette butts at me afterward, doesn’t discount the wisdom of her words. The brilliance of that sentiment is only paralleled by a wise dog I once knew that bit a human. I try to model myself after that whore and that dog, because they truly understood how terrible people are. I think that if we all took the time to be honest with ourselves, that we could find the ‘whore’ or the ‘dog’ inside of us and then maybe we could join together and kill all humans. If the prospect of killing all humans is too extreme for some people, then maybe we could at least agree on eliminating some of the most annoying groups of people on the planet, like the following:

1) Moms

Remember that asshole who cut you off on the freeway and flipped you off even though he was the one driving recklessly?  Guess where he came from : his mom. Remember that girl in front of you at the supermarket who argued with the cashier for ten minutes over the price of pistachios (which she mistakenly thought were half off) and this delay caused you to miss the first 10 minutes of your favorite t.v. show AND you don’t have DVR because you’re poor? Guess where she came from : her mom. Your worst enemy came from his or her mom. That person who called you fat one time, came from his or her mom. That disease carrying piece of shit who gave you the flu because he couldn’t cover his mouth when he coughed . . . came from his mom.  Hitler? Same deal. Are you starting to see a pattern here? Moms are okay, but they seem to be producing a lot of awful people and if we’re ever going to rid the human populace of the shitty drivers, the disease carriers, and the Hitlers of the world; then, we’re going to need to go to the source. Happy Mother’s Day . . . not!

2) Children

Children are a lot like real people, only a lot smaller. It’s like someone shot a person with a shrink ray and then subsequently shot that person with a stupidity ray and a gross ray. I freak out whenever I think about children’s gross little booger covered grabby hands reaching out and touching everything around me. Barf. Children wouldn’t be so awful if they just had a tiny bit of awareness. Today I went out to lunch and this little bitch scream read the restaurant’s specials while her parents and grandparents looked on with delight. They were so proud that she could read all but one word. Ugh. Then the little bitch walked to a table and said, “Is this table good for everyone?” I don’t know . . .I guess it doesn’t sound so bad when I talk about it. Maybe you had to be there to see her stupid little face. The point is, I hate children.

I can’t stand families that put these stupid stick figure decals on the back windows of their mini vans/SUVs. This particular family has a mom, a dad, 2 older boys, a little girl, and a baby something. Oh, and a fucking cat I guess. Why do people feel the need to desecrate their vehicles by putting these cheesy stickers on their windows? Are they proud that they’ve procreated and purchased a cat? Are they asking for my sympathy because they have too many children . . . and  not enough cats? What is their angle? Oh wait I know! They’re trying to piss me off. Well congratulations family of six + cat, mission accomplished.

3) Women

Generic disparaging comments about the similarities among the majority of women in an attempt to be humorous!

4) Men

 Generic disparaging comments about the similarities among the majority of men in an attempt to be humorous! Plus . . .would it KILL them to put the toilet seat down after they pee? Am I right or am I right?

5) The Kardashians

I’m sick of them. You’re sick of them. Even they are sick of themselves. The Kardashians are like my chlamydia, genital warts, herpes, and cold sores – they just won’t go  away. Also, they are the result of embarrassing kinky sex acts. This family’s entire empire is built on Kim’s sex tape with R&B singer Ray J. The family used this tape to drum up enough publicity for them to eventually begin fame-whoring their way to the top. And you know what? That’s perfectly acceptable. If they want to make millions of dollars by exploiting every aspect of their life in a way that most people would be uncomfortable doing, then that’s viable; however, these assholes won’t admit that that’s what they’re doing or that that’s why they’re famous. They constantly talk about how they worked their way up from the bottom, how they work so hard and how they have so much ‘talent’. Ugh. This is why people hate them, because they are unable to own their shit. They just conveniently forget anything questionable about their past and act as if they earned their wealth in a less morally ambiguous way . . . . and why? Who knows? Probably because they are narcissists. Also, their show is more boring than Local on the 8’s on The Weather Channel and more stupid than Gray’s Anatomy. Ugh, when I begin to kill all humans, I’m starting with these shit slices first.

I wouldn’t hate you guys so much if you’d own your shit. . . . okay, I’d still hate you a little, but only because you’re terrible in every way.

There are so many more people that piss me off like: Avril Lavigne, Pink, Papa John, and Urkel from Family Matters . . .especially Urkel the little snot nosed son of a bitch. Why the hell did so many people like him, when he was constantly ruining the Winslow’s lives? Ugh, I could talk about my Urkel hate for hours, but I won’t. Instead I’m just going to propose this: will you marry me?

Chaz: *looks around* What? Are you asking me?

Yes Chaz. I’m asking you to marry me.

Chaz: Oh well . . .

To be continued . . . 

Chaz: No no wait! This doesn’t need to be continued. I definitely don’t want to marry you.

6) Chaz

FUCK CHAZ. Who the hell does he think he is? He’s worse than the fucking Kardashians. Chaz thinks he’s better than everyone else, but he’s not. I don’t know what I ever saw in him. Bastard. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go cry myself silly into my pillow.


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