When Betty White dies later this year, I guarantee a dozen different media outlets will say: “There’s a Golden Girls reunion going on in Heaven right now.” Stupid predictable media, how I loathe you. I’ve been thinking a lot about t.v. related scenarios like this lately, because I’ve been sitting on my bedsore ridden ass watching television nonstop for the last 2 weeks. Jealous? Well . . . you shouldn’t be, because I’m starting to go insane. Insane with rage due to all of the television related annoyances that I’ve had to put up with. For example: every weeknight, WE plays Golden Girls reruns from 6 pm to midnight and then Hallmark plays Golden Girls reruns from midnight to 2 am. That’s a blissful 8 hour block of Golden Girls for me to watch. Well, last week at 1 am, Hallmark played the exact same Golden Girls rerun that WE had just played at 8:30 pm, leaving me with no new rerun to watch! As you can imagine, I was pissed off! I instantly called 911 to complain, and let me tell you, they must have been even more angry at this injustice than I was, because they started screaming at me. Why couldn’t these networks have checked with each other before they played the same episode on the same night? Is this what my tax dollars are paying for?!? I ended up watching the same episode twice, trying to see how many lines I could say correctly before the characters onscreen said them. (I had memorized about 22 % of the episode word for word, not good . . . not terrible) This Golden Girls fiasco is just one teeny tiny grievance I have had with television lately. There are at least 4 1/2 other reasons that t.v. sucks.
Top 4 1/2 Reasons TV Sucks
4 1/2 – What is Cold Blood?
Pop Quiz. What’s the difference between CSI, NCIS, Law & Order, and NYPD Blue? The answer : Fuck television. I am so sick of the police procedural format that has thrived on television over the past 30 years. I’m not angry because each episode of the show is identical to every other episode. I’m not mad because the shows are chocked full of embarrassingly cheesy one liners that are usually disrespectfully delivered over someone’s corpse. I’m even not mad at the fact that the shows typically cater to the lowest common denominator idiot with their predictable/formulaic progression throughout the course of solving a murder mystery. I’m mad because someone on the show always says that the victim was murdered in ‘cold blood’. What does that even mean? I’m going to become a forensic scientist or crime scene investigator just so I can start saying that people were murdered in ‘hot blood’. People’s minds would be blown.
4 – Death to Steve Harvey
I long for the days of Family Feud when a hyperglycemic Louie Anderson would trip over his words and breath like he was on the verge of having a heart attack, while unsuspecting families stared on in disgust. Today’s Family Feud is horrendous. The show is just a front for D list comedian Steve Harvey to perform his unfunny stand-up routine while families impatiently pretend to laugh at his tired antics. He costs the show at least 1 potential round of game play in every episode by trying to be funny. The worst part, is that his brand of humor relies on continuous talking until hopefully something funny comes out of his mouth. Hell, and if that fails – he just delivers everything he says in some overdramatic fashion and doesn’t quit until somebody laughs. It’s Comedy! Steve Harvey is a murderer for killing one of my favorite game shows. I dare you to watch the youtube clip below without getting angry.
3 – Robots should deliver the news
When I hear the news, I don’t want to hear someone else’s take on the story; I just want the damn information. Opinions are for fat idiots. This is why robots should deliver the news. I can see it now:
Robot Anchor 1 – Today, a 9 year old human girl was murdered in cold blood in her San Diego home while she stayed home sick from school. Police suspect the little girl’s father may have something to do with her death. This completes the story. I have no feelings one way or another on this little girl’s death. On to you Anchorbot 2.
Robot Anchor 2 – Now it is my turn to tell the news. The president delivered a speech today at Arizona State University. People’s blind allegiances to the supposedly ‘black and white’ values force fed to them by faceless political affiliations caused them to either love or hate the speech regardless of the content. It is not up to me to decided who is wrong or right, or even to argue the implications of categorizing such ambiguous matters as absolutes. Weatherbot, what does our forecast look like for the upcoming week?
Weatherbot – As I say every week, our primitive meteorological equipment is still too insufficient to accurately predict the weather. This is why our weekly forecasts are so hit or miss. Always take an umbrella just to be safe.
2 – Interesting Shows Die Young
Veronica Mars. Veronica Mars. Veronica Mars! How did this brilliant show get cancelled when everything else on the floundering CW had equal to worse ratings and lacked the same critical acclaim? (Same question for Arrested Development and Firefly for that matter.) It seems like shows that try to have genuine characterization and overarching plot lines tend to overwhelmingly be rejected in favor of reality shows or shows with little to no substance. Look at the domination of Seth MacFarlane on Fox for instance. His referential, random, and nonsensical humor comes at the sacrifice of characterization and continuity. It’s not inherently a bad tactic for making a television show, but it’s been so abused the past few years that it’s barely funny anymore. A large percentage of the humor derived from Seth MacFarlane vehicles comes from the story having some animal/inanimate object/mythical creature/etc… deliver a joke in place of a human character. You get it? It’s funny because those things aren’t supposed to be able to talk or have the same kind of thoughts as people! Teehee! Hell, even his new movie Ted is probably just like every other comedy movie in existence today, except with the surreal quality of having the best friend archetype replaced by a talking Teddy Bear. Sigh. I bet some of the jokes will actually be funny, but I am just kind of over the whole gimmick.
1 – I HATE COMMERCIALS
Whenever I hear somebody say, “Oh, I love this commercial!” I have to practice self control by not killing them. All commercials are terrible. Food commercials in particular are awful. It must be pretty fucking hard to sell food, because they all use the most convoluted method to get us to buy their crap. When Papa John isn’t strutting around like a douchebag in a failed attempt to entice me, Dominoes is begging for my forgiveness for 2 decades of piss poor service and inedible pizza. How is that supposed to inspire me to want to eat a Dominoes pizza? When food commercials aren’t being self deprecating, they are being vague by saying how ‘delicious’ and ‘good’ their food is. Would it kill them to be a little more descriptive? For instance, they could say something like this: Delicious just got laid by flavor, and the aftersex wants to sleep with the inside of your mouth. See how much better that is? I should just write every commercial, because clearly no one else knows what they are doing. Perhaps the worst kind of commercials of all, are the ones that try to mislead consumers. The most frustratingly transparent one of today is the commercial for WhoNu cookies. (pronounced like ‘Who Knew?’) These are blatant Oreo rip offs that are fortified with iron, fiber, and Vitamin C. So although they contain the same amount of sugar and calories as an Oreo cookie, they market the cookie as being a ‘nutritionally rich’ snack, which misleads people into thinking that WhoNu cookies are healthy. Sigh. Poor unsuspecting cookie eating public.
I’m getting tired of bitching for now. I think I’ll go relax and watch some television.